Fear.
It has kept me from pursuing a lot in my life. Jobs, friendships, hobbies, etc. I don't understand where it comes from or how it has such a stronghold over my thoughts and actions, but it has been my constant companion for as long as I can remember. It keeps me sitting at home, not working or pursuing my dreams (which I have a lot of) and instead I sit and watch tv or play online because those things are easy and safe. And yet, while I sit aimlessly waisting my life, I am riddled with anxiety over not pursuing my dreams and allowing fear to hold me back. A double edged sword.
Some say take medication, some say go to counseling, and more say pray. I want to live a medicine free life. I feel prayer is counseling and while I'm not above therapy or medicine, I know these things are not for me. I know I have it in me to overcome this feeling, because that is all fear is ... a feeling. I have done it before and I will do it again. It's just taking that first step that is the most difficult. I am in constant prayer asking for help, strength, peace from anxiety, light from depression, etc. but until I choose to take that first step, God can only cheer me on like everyone else in my life. He even makes it so easy for me to overcome this obstacle. Constantly blessing me with gifts beyond my needs, opening multiple doors for me to pursue, and consistently putting strong, brave people in my life for me to look up to. And yet here I sit, afraid to begin.
What I need to begin is my thesis. The only thing standing between me and my Master's degree. I am not afraid of school assignments. I can go at them head strong and, not to brag, but get good grades. I can write thirty page papers in a day and receive more praise that constructive criticism. And yet, I have worked up such a fear in my head towards my thesis, I can't even open the file on my computer. Why is this and where does it come from? It's just a paper. Is it because the topic is of my choosing? Is it because I do not want to disappoint my professor or the educators I am working for? Is all of this talk of fear just a cover for the simple fact that I am lazy?
Even just typing this right now makes my heart beat faster and my eye twitch (the latest development of a stress signal that has come up since my thesis has come into my life). I thought maybe writing these feelings down would lessen their strength over me. Today I read someone else's blog that said:
We can best find success, happiness, and a nice paycheck by blending
who we are with what we do. A little vision and a lot of guts will take
you exactly where you need to be. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.
Begin now ... Let’s begin.
I have so many ideas of what I want to do with my life. Each and every idea I can begin right now. Working towards my dreams with a little vision and a lot of guts, I know I can do a lot. My excuse for not beginning? I have to finish my thesis. And since my thesis brings up fear and anxiety, I don't work on it in the mean time. So I sit and am stuck in this mess of a world I have created.
I must begin. As dramatic as that sounds, it is the simple truth of where I am. I have to overcome this fear, this stranglehold that somehow feels unmatched by anything I can muster.
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:7) The verse that is repeated again and again in my anxiety riddled life. He cares for me.
